you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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