actually, I'm a sock model
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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