Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
