It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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