Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
