how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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