guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
