I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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