Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
