I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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