Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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