he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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