Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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