Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
