This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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