Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
