Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
