im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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