I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
