Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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