boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It's just like the Real World with babies
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
