I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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