I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
