Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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