You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
