Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
