I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
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