dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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