Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
