My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
