yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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