Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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