I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
