I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
