Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
