At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
