This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
