im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
