haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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