Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
