Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
