I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
