You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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