You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
