Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
