Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
