I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
