Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
