I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
