Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
